"How does that happen?!"

I think the first question that comes to anyones mind when they hear of a baby dying is "how does that happen?!" That was definitely my first question when the shock subsided. I think our nature as humans is to be curious and we always want answers. We have been so conditioned, or at least I was, to believe that these kinds of "accidents" don't happen in todays world. We live in country with amazing standards and technology, how could someone ever have a stillborn baby?

I remember hearing stories when I was pregnant. Two people told me they had stillbirths. My first thought, in total selfishness, was how could you tell me that while I am pregnant? It was the absolute worst case scenario and I wasn't going to let my mind go there. And there was no reason to let my mind go there. Stillbirths don't happen that often. They are not very common...but the fact is they DO happen. That is reality. And while I was pregnant, I chose to avoid reality.

Two days before Penelope has passed, we had an ultrasound and a NST (nonstress test). The ultrasound was the first one that we got to see a front view of her face! It was so exciting for us! The NST also came back completely normal. They had predicted Penelope was going to be between 6 and 8 pounds, so about 7. There was the appropriate amount of fluid still surrounding her and everything looked "perfect," they said.

I knew something was wrong the moment I woke up two days later. I had felt a weird movement from Penelope in the middle of the night. Nothing too concerning, but enough to take notice. I had assumed, since I was 41 weeks along, that maybe it was a movement indicative of labor coming soon. I had never been pregnant before so I did not know what to expect. The only thing I knew, once I woke up that morning, was that I needed to hear her heartbeat. Once we found out she no longer had a beating heart, I could not wrap my mind around how this happened. I was healthy. I did everything..and I mean EVERYTHING for her. I racked my brain thinking what I could have done to have made this happen. A part of me felt so responsible, but a part of me also knew it was completely out of my control.

When Penelope was born, there were no answers as to what happened. There was no knot in the cord, there was no placenta abruption (I had no spotting or bleeding my entire pregnancy until I was induced), and the cord was not wrapped around her neck. From what the midwives and nurses saw at birth, everything was normal. My blood was drawn before and after Penelope was born. Everything in my blood work came back normal, as well. I had no clotting issues, there was no mixing of mine and Penelope's blood, and there was no virus or infection. During my pregnancy, I didn't have high blood pressure, pre-eclampsia, or eclampsia. I did not have gestational diabetes. The only issue I had was getting pregnant and once I was pregnant, everything truly went very smoothly.

The placenta was sent to a lab for testing. Like the blood results, the placenta was perfectly normal and looked to have been functioning well. The placenta was also the perfect ratio to Penelope's body size. Once again, everything was perfect. 

Penelope was a beautiful baby. The nurses even commented on how beautiful she was. One of my speculations, take it with a grain of salt, was that Penelope's symmetry was immaculate. According to some of my more natural health books I have read, facial symmetry is a sign of good health. I like to believe Penelope's symmetry was a sign to me that she was healthy and did not have any genetic issues. We never performed an autopsy on her (I could not bear that thought) so we will never know, but from my speculation, I feel safe saying she was very healthy.

I think the next question that comes to mind would be "did I do something to cause this?" If anyone knows me, they know how paranoid/obsessed I was about not letting anything interfere with the health of my baby. I don't have to go into the list, but I avoided MANY dangerous things while pregnant...some of these things pregnant women are given the "OK" by their doctors to consume such as caffeine and aspartame. I took amazing prenatal supplements and tried to eat as healthy and as clean as possible. We had a home doppler if that is any insight into how crazy paranoid we were about keeping out baby girl safe.

We also had amazing prenatal care. I cannot say enough amazing things about our RE, the midwives, our chiropractor, our naturopath, and our acupuncturist. We covered every freaking base.

To some that may be incredibly frustrating-  to do everything in your power to protect your baby only for them to be born still with no answers. For me, it is at times frustrating, but mostly it feels like a blessing. I feel so grateful knowing I did every possible thing in my power to make sure my baby was safe. I have no doubt in my mind that this was completely out of anyones control. I am thankful to know that she was healthy those 9 months..that she was thriving and had a safe place to call home. I am relieved to know that I can carry a baby to full term without any issues because I know I can do it again and deliver a healthy, living, breathing baby.

It is a tough pill to swallow, but accidents do happen. That is why they are called accidents...there is no body to blame. The final report that was drawn suggested that this was possibly a cord accident. By cord accident, there was no obvious knot in the cord and the cord was not wrapped around her body. The doctors think blood flow somehow stopped flowing to her, either by her getting stuck leaning on her cord or by her clenching the cord with her hands. The odds of a stillbirth happening are 1 in 160 people. Of that small percentage (0.6%), cord accidents happen in only 2 - 4 %. The odds are very very small. 

If someone asked me what happened, I can honestly say God happened. This was Gods plan for us. No matter what I did or didn't do, I had no control. God brought Penelope into our lives for 9 months and just like that, he took her away.

I am thankful for the time we had together and I look forward to the day I will see her again. Until then, I just have to be thankful for today.

Thank you to everyone who has shown us such love and support. 

Your kindness is so very appreciated!