Surviving the first few weeks...

When I was pregnant, I never imagined the first few weeks after labor would be filled with mourning instead of joy.  I never expected the outcome to be what it was. Although the birth of our daughter was magical, it was also terrifying knowing that we were leaving the hospital empty handed. It was terrifying knowing that the path we had planned on going down had changed dramatically and we had to figure out a way to move forward with life in the midst of a nightmare.

The hardest part of having a stillbirth, for us, were the first couple of weeks after. We are only 2 months out, so things could change from here, but for right now I can say the first couple of weeks were the worst. When you lose your child at 41 weeks gestation, the shock is the most unbearable thing. I refused to believe she was gone. Coping with the rug that has been ripped out from under you is what takes the most energy, in my opinion.

I am writing this post to give others who have experienced the same loss a guideline to help get through the first weeks that may seem too hard to survive. Know that you WILL survive. If not for yourself, for your child. No child wants to see their mother or father in pain. If you cannot move forward and find joy for yourself, do it for your child who only wants their parents to be happy.

Here are some things that helped us through the first few weeks following the birth of our daughter:

1. One of the first things we were told in the hospital by the nurses is that only a small percentage of couples survive this sort of tragedy. I think at that point, I made a promise to myself that we will survive. No matter how different our ways of grieving could be, I promised myself that my husband and I are in this together. Have a conversation with your partner and let them know that you are in it together. As time progresses, talk openly about things that make you sad or things that make you happy. Be accepting of your partners' ways. You are both new people after this experience and you can be better or you can be bitter. We chose to be better. Lean on your partner, stick together, and realize at this point you are a team, even if you have never been one before. You just created a beautiful child together and you should be so proud of each other.

Sticking close to my husband (and kitty)...together we will get through this!

2.We had family come to our house before we got home and put all of our daughters things in her nursery and shut the door. At the time, coming home to our daughters things would have been overwhelming. We kept them in her nursery for and few days until we felt comfortable enough to go into her nursery together and bring out the things we wanted around the house.

3. Rely on your family members or friends for support. Our family was understanding of our needs and were available for us when we needed them. We, literally, at times called for family to come over and then asked them to leave after 15 minutes because it was too overwhelming for us. Thank goodness they understood! For the first two weeks, family and friends made us meals, cleaned up our house, and spent time with us while we were mourning. Moms, since you are going through the emotional stress of losing your child combined with the physical stress of going through labor, it is so important that you eat regularly and rest often. Your body is healing on top of combating emotional stress. If you are having trouble remembering to eat, set a timer for every 3 hours and eat when it goes off regardless of if you are hungry or not. If you have long periods of no appetite and you are unable to sleep, contact your doctor or a counselor and let them know your situation. Also, remember to continue to take your prenatal vitamins.

4. Be okay with doing nothing. If you have the luxury of not having to go to work right away (I hope you had some sort of maternity leave!) and if your husband is able to stay home with you, stay in and be comfortable in your own home for as long as it takes to feel better. You will know when it is right to leave your house. When we first came home from the hospital, we were in PJs for the first two days. We were kind of like zombies just hanging out at home trying to cope with the shock. Coping with shock takes a lot of energy and drains your body. I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to rest. Lay in the sun outside if it is a sunny day and get some Vitamin D. Go for a short walk on a nature path and take in the beauty of outside. Just take it easy.

Cuddling with our daughter's onesie

5. Tell as many people as possible. This helped us tremendously. Obviously, it is a very personal decision and it is up to you who you want to tell, but for us, we knew we had to tell everyone right away. The day we got home from the hospital, we posted our baby girls story on Facebook and let me tell you, the outpouring of love and support from friends and family truly helped us get through that dark time. We would wake up in the middle of the night and look at our phones to see the kind words friends were sending us and it would make us feel better. The excellent thing about Facebook is that you can tell almost everyone at once, so you don't have to anticipate running into someone you haven't seen in a while and have them ask the dreaded question "How's your baby doing?"
Another thing we did was have close friends call places that we frequented to tell them the news. We had my husbands father call our chiropractor. We had a friend call and tell our favorite restaurant, one  that the servers were anticipating the arrival of our baby girl with us. It may seem like overkill to some, but it was very helpful for us because it allowed us to go back to "normal" life again and do things we enjoy without having to fear the emotions that may come up when we have to explain ourselves to someone who hasn't heard the news.
For all other people who I have regular contact with, I sent emails to let them know. Many people called me to give their condolences, but I just couldn't answer. I wasn't in the mood to talk. If people are calling you, they will understand if you don't answer, too!

Cards and letters of support from friends and family

6. One of my saving grace's was that I was able to produce breast milk. During my pregnancy, I was always worried I would not be able to breastfeed. When I started producing breast milk, I just had to pump. I wanted to know that I could do it, I wanted the experience, and I wanted to continue to feel like a mother even though my baby was gone. Little did I know, pumping was one of the BEST things I could've done for healing my body and my heart.
When you are in the aftershock of losing your child, your world is turned upside down. You lose track of time for a while and you can't quite get on track. Pumping helped me get back in a schedule. I pumped three times a day- morning, noon, and night. I started to rebuild my world again around that schedule. Not only did it help me organize my days (which lets you feel some sort of control in a situation in which you have no control), but it helped heal my body.
Pumping releases oxytocin which makes you feel good and also stimulates your uterus to contract back to its normal state. If you feel like pumping to donate breastmilk, you should definitely do that! I had intentions to that in the beginning, but I decided not to as I didn't have the energy and I didn't want to put pressure on myself. We did freeze a bag of breastmilk to keep for nostalgia. For the other pumps, we would go in our backyard and pour the breastmilk in the garden and say a few words to our daughter in Heaven.
Another significant reason for pumping, for me ,was that it made me feel connected with my daughter. I would sit in the chair in our bedroom in front of the window where I had always pictured myself feeding her and rocking her to sleep. When I would pump, I would sit in that same chair and hold on of her onesies or blankets, look at her picture, and just visualize how it would be if she were here. It allowed me to create memories with my daughter that I thought I could never have.

Colostrum from when I first started pumping

Our ritual of pouring the milk into our garden

7. I cannot say enough about showers. It sounds silly, I know, but I have a new appreciation for showers that I never had before. Every morning we would wake up, take a nice long shower, wash of the pain, and start a brand new day. A new day means an opportunity for new joy. We would even say that every shower is our daughter "showering us with love." We didn't just take showers in the morning, we took them whenever we needed to restart our day. If the day got too hard, too sad, or too exhausting, we would hop in the shower and start the day over. It really helped us, as simple as it sounds!

8. One of the greatest urges I had postpartum was to help others who had gone through the same thing. I have developed compassion, something I don't think  I really had before this. I don't know if it is because I believe that no one should ever have to feel this kind of pain or if it is my motherly instincts coming out, but I really and truly want to help anyone who endures this kind of loss and help take their pain away. I was so thankful for the mother who donated all the memory boxes to the hospital that our daughter was born at. I was so thankful for the mother who sent me a poem and a sweet bracelet in the mail because she lost her son. I want to be that person for someone else. I started this blog in hopes that I can help someone who is in the midst of their pain. It really is helping me and I hope it is helping someone else, even if it is just one person! My mother-in-law was kind enough to start a foundation in memory of our daughter to help other families pay for the funeral costs associated with losing a child. I plan to be a big part of that foundation. If I can touch just one family and help make their life easier, than I will be happy.

9. During this hard time in your life, you must have faith. Whatever your religion or spirituality is, you must know that this was out of your control. Let your faith eliminate your fears. Don't punish yourself for what happened. Know that this was the journey that you, your partner, and your child were meant to go on together. Know that your child is not gone. They are closer to you now than ever before. Your child is with you forever and they will continually give you signs that they are with you. We received so many signs from our daughter. Take those signs as what they are meant to be- comfort  and love from your baby. Your child is in a happy place full of love. You will meet again. It is not over. Since you have endured this great loss and have come out better, you will be rewarded for your suffering. A friend told me during time "God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers."

A fortune I thought was a sign.
The back said "May" which was the month our daughter was born.

10. Know that things will get better. Always know that feelings are fleeting. My husband and I were so confused when our daughter passed because we are happy people and we wanted so hard to continue to live our happy life. We didn't want sadness or negativity. We just wanted to be happy! I remember when we got home from the hospital, I thought the misery I was feeling was going to last forever. I wish someone would have told me "you are not going to feel this way forever." I will be that person to you.  You are not going to feel this way forever! Feelings come and go. Feelings are like waves...just ride them out. You may feel really happy one moment and sad the next, but you will not feel miserable forever. Life does get better. You will find joy again. Things will make you happy. You will laugh. You will love. You will move forward.


Happiness is a choice just as much as sadness is a choice. Sure, you are going to feel sad and that is perfectly okay. You have the right to be sad your entire life. You could mourn forever, but who wants to be sad forever? Know that being happy does not mean you love your child any less. Honor your child by being happy, moving forward, and maybe even bringing a little sibling into the world for you angel baby.


*Thank you so much for reading my blog! If you are here because you experienced the loss of a child through stillbirth, miscarriage, SIDS, or any other experience, please know that your are in my thoughts and prayers. I send you all of my love! You will get through this...stay strong, stay positive. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. *


How did you get through the first few weeks after a loss? Comment below!