Our Story

The Start
Our journey began in 2012 when we first got married. We both knew right away we wanted to have children so why wait? Naive to the many obstacles that surround fertility, we tried to conceive for a few months and quickly became frustrated. Why isn't it happening? Isn't it supposed to happen right away? Isn't that why we are told to practice so many forms of birth control until we are "ready"?! After about ten months of trying and the frustration building each month, we decided to make an appointment with the Ob-GYN to see what the problem was. My Ob-GYN at the time told me it takes at least a year for a healthy couple to conceive naturally at my age. Until we reach the 1 year mark, she would not move forward with any fertility treatments. With more frustration, I quickly changed doctors to a different Ob-gyn who was rumored to "move quickly" when it came to fertility treatments. Our new doctor welcomed us with the option of chlomid. After a month or two on chlomid with no luck, we decided to combine chlomid and IUI. We tried this combo twice...once again, with no luck. After multiple tests including a hysterosalpingogram, there was no answer as to why I could not get pregnant. Everything looked great. My husband is apparently an expert sperm producer and everything on my end looked great. 
We decided to dig a little deeper and started seeing a Reproductive Endocrinologist. He was wonderful...a very positive and loving man. We tried another version of IUI, but using the injectable hormones. This was my first experience with injectable hormones and it truly wasn't as bad as I heard it was. In my mind, it was a means to an end so I really didn't mind giving myself shots every day. (The only hard part was being at the doctors office every other day for about two weeks at 7am and our doctors office was an hour from our house! ) This round of IUI did not work out for us either. 
At this point, had been trying to conceive for about a year and a half and we thought it was time to just take a break from assisted reproduction. We decided to take time for ourselves and try to enjoy life without children. 

The Natural Path
We ended up taking an 8 month break from assisted reproduction, but during this time I pursued a natural approach to healing my body and what may have caused my "infertility." I saw a naturopath and nutritionist once a week for those 8 months. The naturopath found all sorts of issues that I treated with whole food supplements and by completely changing my diet. I felt great and looked the best I have ever looked. Although we said we were on a "break," we still tried to conceive those 8 months with no luck. Although my naturopath assured me we were almost there, I became impatient and we decided to take the plunge - we decided to move forward with IVF.

Invitro Fertilization
Doing IVF was a huge deal for me because I had just spent the previous 8 months detoxifying my body and I was afraid of all the damage IVF was going to do, but I was willing to take that risk for the beautiful reward- a precious baby. We decided to see our RE again in July 2014. During an ultrasound we discovered that I had ovarian cysts and the IVF cycle was delayed yet another month. Finally, in August 2014 we did our first IVF cycle. The shots were not big deal for me since I had already experience that with IUI. The early morning appointments were not bad either since this time my husband went with me for the ride and we would make a morning out of it. 
I was a low responder to the hormones. They were able to retrieve 10 eggs. We were overjoyed since they predicted less than that in prior appointments. Unfortunately, our joy was squashed the following day when we found out that after fertilization only 2 eggs had made it through the night. Only TWO...after all of that. We still had to wait another four days to see if the embryos start to grow. We were certain they weren't going to make it.
Four days later, early in the morning we got the call that one precious little embryo had made it and they needed us to come in immediately for transfer.
We hopped in the car, eager as can be, and off we went to receive our little embryo.

After the transfer, we spent the next two weeks on pins and needles...curious if our little embryo decided to call my womb its permanent home. After the two week wait, we got our first phone call from the RE...the entire office called us on speaker phone and said "YOU'RE PREGNANT!!" We were so happy...it was the first time, as far as we knew, that we had gotten this far. Although we wanted to jump for joy, we were cautiously optimistic because we had a long road ahead of us still. Every few days, my blood work was drawn to measure the HCG levels in my blood. If they increased at a certain rate, that meant that this was possibly a viable pregnancy. We were lucky and it was! 

On our first ultrasound, we got to see our little baby's heart beat. And on the second ultrasound, we were able to see our baby move. It was absolutely incredible. It truly was a miracle. 

From that day on, everything was perfect! We graduated from our RE's office and back to a regular Ob-GYN. The pregnancy was amazing...I felt great and I looked great. We were so happy to have this little life growing inside me. We documented every moment of the pregnancy and truly cherished it. In December 2014, we found out that our precious little baby was a GIRL! We could not believe it. Shortly after finding out her gender, we decided on her name- Penelope Grace. I would scribble the name Penelope Grace on scrap paper whenever I could. We were all so in love!

 The Moment When Time Stood Still
As the due date approached, we became more excited, but also anxious at the idea that we were going to be parents. The dream that we had longed for for so many years was now coming true. My due date came and went and Penelope had still not made her entrance into this world. My mom was two weeks late with both my sister and I, so I had no worries about being a little past my due date.
It was May 24, the day of my husbands brothers wedding. I woke up with a desire to listen to our baby girls heartbeat. We had a heartbeat monitor at home that gave us reassurance throughout the entire pregnancy. I remember finding her back with my hand and placing the monitor directly on her and hearing nothing. I panicked a little, but in denial I told myself the monitor much be broken. Little did I know, my husband had tried the monitor on himself while I was in the other room and it was working. My denial was so strong, but we felt like we should go to the hospital anyway...just to be sure our baby girl was okay. I remember getting in the car on our way to the hospital and saying to my husband "she always moves when I'm in the car and she is not moving." I don't know if I was still in denial or just in shock. We checked into the hospital and we were sent to the labor and delivery floor. The nurse had me lay down as she tried to find a heart beat with the fetal monitors. I was still in shock. I don't remember having any emotion at this point...I was blank. She told my husband and I that she could not find the heartbeat, but the doctor will be in to confirm. As the nurse left the room, I just broke down into tears. I grabbed my husband and told him how scared I was. When the doctor came in with the ultrasound, she confirmed.

"Here is the baby's head, here is the baby's heart...and there is no heart beat. I am so sorry."

I broke down. I completely melted into my husband. We both cried so hard. It was like someone had sucked all the life out of both of us. Like deflating balloons, we just collapsed.
There are no words that could ever describe that feeling. I don't know what that feeling was. It was worse than anything I had ever felt before...I would never wish that upon anyone. I think that feeling is ironically called "love." Because when you lose something, you feel just how much you loved it.
In that moment, time stood still. Our world froze. A part of us died, too.

The show must go on...
We cried for hours, sitting on the floor of the hospital, physically feeling our hearts crumbling to pieces as we called our parents to let them know that they will never get to hear their granddaughter's voice or see her smile or feel the clenching of her tiny hand in theirs.

We told my entire family, but we had to keep it a "secret" (I don't even know if that is the right word to use) from my husbands family because it was his brothers wedding and we did not want to spoil their day. We have our whole lives to grieve the loss of our baby girl, but my husbands' brother and his wife have only that one day to celebrate their love and we could not ruin it with saddness. My husband told his father and his uncle, and they somehow managed to keep it together for the wedding until they were able to tell the whole family the following day.

As our relatives came one by one into the hospital, tears streaming down their faces,  we were told by the nurses that I would have to proceed with a vaginally delivery as soon as I was ready. I begged and begged for a C-section. After we found out our baby girl was no longer with us, the thought of delivering her had completely left my mind. I forgot that the show must go on and she has to come out. The doctor insisted that I must do a vaginal delivery- she reminded me that it would be the best thing for my body and for our future children. 

We are one.

I was induced and the contractions started coming. My husband and I laid in the hospital bed together for the entire labor. We hugged and kissed and cried. At one point, we begged God to please make us one person so we would not have to go through this as two separate individuals. The contractions became stronger and I began shaking convulsively. I can't remember if that was part of labor or if my body was going into shock. Soon, I received the epidural and after that time went by quickly. It was time to push. My husband sat next to me and held my head with every push. After only a few pushes, our baby girl was here - May 25, 2015 at 5:33 am. Although she did not cry, did not move, did not breathe or make a noise...she was here. Her spirit filled the room. My husband and I held her in our arms and our hearts melted. She was so incredibly beautiful. I think in that moment our beautiful baby girl, my husband, and I all became ONE. We felt a love so strong for each other...there is no humanly word to describe it. That was by far, the absolute most best moment of my life. 

Saying hello and "see you soon!"

We were able to spend 8 hours with her before the funeral director was called to take her away in the moses basket. Almost all of our immediate relatives were at the hospital and were able to spend time with our angel. My husband and I held her and laid with her as much as possible. We took photos with her, took her footprints and handprints, took a lock of her hair. We changed her into her "coming home" outfit. My husband had always dreamed of laying with her in bed at home on his chest as she slept so we decided to lay with her on the hospital bed in that position. Soon her nose started to bleed and cleaned her off and put her in the crib. One of my favorite moments with her is watching her laying in the crib and my husband and I laying in the bed next to her. I held her hand and watched the sunlight shine on her face. I could only think about how beautiful she was. I was in awe of her features. She truly was a miracle delivered straight to us from the hands of God.

As the hours went by we knew it was time to say good-bye to her...but we could not bring ourselves to say good-bye, so we just said "see you soon!" 

Trying to smile through the tears...

God's Tears

The funeral director sat the moses basket on a bench in front of a window in the hospital room. As we laid her down and gave her kisses, the beautiful sky outside the window turned to a storm. There was a downpour that lasted maybe ten minutes as we said our last words. I feel like those were God's tears crying for us and for our baby girl. He felt our sadness. As the funeral director came to take her away, the skies parted and the sun came out again. It was truly a divine intervention. 

Blessings in Disguise 

May 24, 2015 was the worst day of my life, but May 25, 2015 will forever be the best day of my life. I will always remember the feeling of holding our precious angel in my arms. I will always remember her soft, cold cheeks and her perfect face. I will always remember her brown hair, just like daddy's and her perfect little body. Those little hands that I dreamed would come to life for one moment to clench my finger....those hands will forever be in my heart. 

The blessings that came from our journey with Penelope Grace were tremendous. The love between my husband and I grew infinite. All of the problems of the past seemed to fizzle away in comparison to the loss we had just experienced. Family grew closer, friendships grew stronger. Life has more meaning now. I appreciate more than I ever have. My faith is so strong...my connection with God seems closer than it has ever been. Not only have prior relationships grown, but new relationships have formed. Out of our loss, we have met so many people with tremendous hearts and such compassion. I can instantly bond with others who have experienced losses of their own. Although it is not a "club" you want to be in, once you are in it, you are so thankful for all of the other members. 

We are looking toward the future and staying positive. I am so thankful to have this new perspective on life and and new found love and appreciation for my husband. I am thankful that I now know I can carry a child to full term without any problems along the way. I only hope Penelope paved the way for her brother's and sister's so that future pregnancies come easy. As soon as possible we will be trying for our rainbow and we know Penelope Grace will be sending her sibling love and protection along the way. We will continue to honor our baby girl as our family grows. 

I send so much love and prayers to anyone out there who has experienced loss. My heart aches for the families facing infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss. The loss of a child in not only the loss of their life, but the loss of the future and the loss of your dreams. Before and during my pregnancy, I spent hours day dreaming about what my children would look like, what they would do, who they would become, what would make them the unique and individual. Those dreams of Penelope are gone and I know that things will never be the same, but I like to believe that I will receive signs and signals from her along the way, letting us know she is still with us and will always be with us as our family grows.

If you are reading this, please continue to have faith in your destiny. If God put the dream in your heart, than you are meant to see that dream come true. Keep going and don't stop trying! 

This blog is a positive place to provide motivation for those who have experience stillbirth, miscarriage, and infant loss. Please follow on our journey as we grow our family and meet our rainbow(s).